3...2..1! MB

So, marching band is starting up on Friday. That'll be fun - colorguard has already started, though. They have tryouts and whatnot before we do, but that's cool haha :) I've got some big news though! It's going to be announced tomorrow, so I guess this is a spoiler... I'm going to be in the leadership this year - SQUAD CAPTAIN!! I can't believe it! I'm so excited and I can't wait for marching band this year!

Beware, new marchers... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Just kidding, but seriously, band size doesn't matter as long as we have fun and enjoy everything - glorifying God in the process. Music is my way to vent sometimes. I look at my clarinet and I just think, "Wow... I've been doing this for seven years. I can read music and march and memorize things all at the same time in 100 degree weather - and it's great!"

Marching band is probably one of the best things that has happened to me. I love it so much and you know, it's more than just a band. We're a family. Every time one of the seniors leaves, I cry a little bit on the inside. Except for two years ago, I actually cried a lot then... But that's another story. I'd try to describe what it's like to be on the field, performing in front of so many people and moving at such a fast pace - with a schedule to follow and a period amount of time to go by...

But I can't.

I mean, let's see...

I look straight ahead at the marcher in front of me, his plume is already beginning to wilt in the August heat. I focus on my clarinet, steal a glance at my shoes, and then scold myself for looking down (something you never do in band). I look back up at the wilting plume and try my hardest to suppress the growing smile on my lips.

You'd think that after four years of marching band, I'd be getting better at hiding that smile. Oh well... Maybe it'll be better in a minute. I blink a few times as sweat gets in my eyes. Attention is called and the whole band moves as one. I look up at the bright stadium lights and put my mouthpiece up to my lips. This, right here and now, is what I have - the whole band has striven for. This moment on the field - the audience quiet, the soft sound of the insects buzzing around in the muggy night sky.

This is the moment. My moment. The band's moment. Our moment.

Writing..?

I have writer's block... I know I promised some stories, but I just don't know if I can write anymore. It seems that ever since a week or so ago, I haven't been able to write or conjure up any type of anything. No poems, no stories, not even any ideas.

But I've had a lot of rants, and I do apologize for those... I just wish that this whole writer's block thing would blow over. Then, I'd be happy a little.

So, I have this leadership thing going on right now, and it's a great opportunity! But I don't know how well I'll do... If I get the position, that'd be awesome! But what if I don't?

Man, I've been so down lately for some reason... I guess I'm just tired. And the fact that it's rained for, like, ten straight days doesn't help either.

And also, everything is changing. Feelings, friends, classes, years, ages, EVERYTHING!! It's all moving too fast and I can't keep up! I don't know what to do and I freak out and I just need to calm down and take a break...

Too bad I have homework and a test tomorrow. And a project of sorts...

Maybe my stories will come back soon. Maybe not... But I sure hope they do.

Ranting...again

So, I don't know if I talked about my middle school years... But all I have to say is that something most recently came up that reminded me of those. I call them "the years I don't speak of" just because I never talk about them.

And no, I am not about to start now.

What I will say is that this thing that happened that reminded me of middle school... It wasn't good. It was bad actually. Just some issues with people - girl drama. I think I mostly got everything worked out, at least that is what I got from it.

But it taught me a lesson... One that I have learned multiple times, but it finally clicked with me this week.

That whole "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is a great saying and all... But it's not true all of the time.

Because words hurt.

And the thing that I taught to these other girls, and hopefully they understand... Is that when you have a problem with someone or what they say or whatever it is, it's never okay to let things build up. Because when the little things build up, it hurts both of the people. And the other thing is, if you have something to say, come up to the person and say it to their face because 1) it makes things not get misconstrued, and 2) it's just easier that way.

Know what I'm saying? ;)

No names, no actions, no words. None of it's mentioned here. And it's not going to be.

Well, I guess that's all :)

P.S. I hope someone got something out of this post... Because the lesson in this particular one is important and KEY for me...

Who knows what this post is..?

I don't even know, but - whatever. Okay, here it goes.

You know that guy that I was talking about before? The one I thought I liked? I don't like him anymore. Yeah, sure... He's sweet and adorable and all the things you'd wish for in a guy, but I just, I don't feel that way anymore.

The guy my mom brought up, I still stand the same on that. I don't like him that way - I thought I did once, but that was a long time ago... And besides, I've known him so long that he's like my brother. Honestly, how many of you would date a sibling? I mean, really..? That's what it would be like if that happened - WHICH IT WON'T!

Now, my friend brought up this other guy... He's had a crush on me for a while - 2 years. And yet, he's 3 years older than me. I'm not gonna say a lot about this one because there's not much to say.

There's this other dude who completely creeps me out, but he, like, loves me. He told me this year that he's had a crush on me for 3 years and I was like, "Well, there goes that friendship..." I waved goodbye to it as it flew out the window.

So, yeah... Those are the adventures that I've had with my guy-friends. Now, if I were to tell you about all of my girl-friends... That would take me forever. So many stories to tell, and yet, I won't.

Because I'm... I'm me.

Haha, well, anyways... How about a poem? I had inspiration for this one from a big tree I saw at the beach.

 The Climb

I look up from the bottom.

I am afraid of this height -

It is so far,

And I am afraid I cannot reach it.

I am so afraid, 

I walk away -

I stop in my tracks,

Turn around.

I plant my foot

On the bark,

And begin to climb.

I climb from the bottom,

And reach a small branch.

I grab onto it,

Swing myself up,

And look down.

This height -

It is scary,

But I will not go down

Back to the bottom.

I look up,

And continue to climb

Until I get a bit higher.

I reach the top,

Looking down.

And I think to myself,

I will not go back down -

To the bottom.

But when I turn around,

I see the tree extending -

And the height gets insane.

I plant my foot,

And take the first step.

Classified

This post is going to be a venting post, so if you don't like it, I suggest you get off now.

So a few of my "friends" have been saying things behind my back... And you know, that's cowardly, don't you agree? Just say it to my face if you have something to say. Freaking say it to my face! But no, just go chat about it to some other person who you could be talking about too and have them tell me!

What are we? In the fourth grade again?! "So and so doesn't like you anymore so we're not friends..." I mean, what the crap?! I have had two hate letters in my life, and I'm not that old! No one should have hate letters. EVER.

And what do I get in return? Gossip! I've already gotten two too many hate letters and way too much gossip in middle school!

So don't judge!

And like I said before, yeah, words don't bring me down and I don't care what you say. But should you really be talking about me? I mean, really? Come on... I know that whoever is doing it is better than that... So come talk to me about it and I won't get mad. I just like having explanations is all.

Talk to me or don't. Your choice. If you come out and say it, cool. If not, cool. But just know that if I was saying things and the person said to just talk it out with them, I would. AND I HAVE DONE THAT BEFORE.

Talking things out helps, that's all I'm saying.

That's all.

What's-His-Face (Part 3)

here's something to cheer you up:

I am walking down the hallway with some friends when Dalton passes by me. He says, "Hey, shiny... Still shining?" I smile at him and just roll my eyes.

"Yeah, that's me. Shining up the world over here." Dalton laughs and keeps walking, trying to get to the lunchroom early. He passes through the door and stands there for a second, holding the door open for me to pass through. Then he leaves to go sit at his table.

I walk to my table and see that some of my friends are there, but because I just finished up the organ part of the dissection in anatomy class, I decide I better go wash my hands again - for the fourth time. After my "magical" trip to the restroom to wash my hands, I go back to the lunchroom and sit down next to Julinka.

Julinka is this adorable girl in my grade, she's so cute - like a little kid (she's going to hurt me for saying that). Anyways, I look at her and say, "Didn't order? I thought there would be FCA today..."

Julinka nods and says, "Yep. I didn't order because - I just didn't." I laugh and motion to the lunch line, the two of us walking up together. We get our food and head back to the table.

After a nice lunch filled with laughing and a lot of cookies, I throw my trash away and walk out the door, heading down the hallway. Julinka catches up to me and says, "So..." Her voice trails off and then I hear the word special. I make her stop talking and repeat what she just said, but I still don't catch it.

So, instead of agreeing with her or anything like that, I say, "Like, a special man?" And I say it in a very country accent. Julinka stares at me for a moment before bursting out into laughter.

"Speeecial maaan!!" She tries to be country and that's when I burst out laughing.

"Are you trying to be country?"

"CRUNCHY?!" We both start laughing and then she says, "I am not crunchy!!"

"No, Julinka, you are a very crunchy woman and you deserve a special man." I say all of this with my country accent and wait for Julinka's response. But I realize that I'm at my locker and she has to leave.

"Hey, I'll see you later, Crunchy!!"

"Bye, Speeecial!"

-------------

I get into seventh period and Dalton's sitting across from me. I sit down and he brushes past me to get to his seat. "Hey..." Dalton smiles and I smile back. That's when Kairos bursts through the door.

"Helloooo!" He sits down in front of me and turns around, talking about the newest band he found out about. Our teacher steps to the front of the room and begins to teach. Kairos falls asleep when the teacher tells him to put his head on his desk (I don't get it either).

As Kairos is asleep, I listen to the teacher, Mr. Korren. Mr. Korren looks around the room and loses his track of thought. He finds it again and that's when I feel my desk move a little. I know Kairos isn't doing it, so that means Dalton is.

I turn to face Dalton, but he's just sitting there, all happy-like, smiling at me. "What're you doing?" He furrows his eyebrows and shrugs.

"I didn't do anything..." I wink at him and turn back around. Yeah... Right, and I'm Captain America. My desk moves again - multiple times - and I turn around just in time to see Dalton's leg move back down.

"I saw that!" I point to Dalton's shoe, and then, realizing that he told me a while ago that it was rude to point, I hold out my hand and twirl it at him. Apparently, I say my little outburst just a bit too loud because Mr. Korren looks at me directly and opens his mouth to say something.

"Guys!" I turn back around to face Mr. Korren and listen to him speak for the rest of his class - and I mean, really listen. And before I know it, class is over and everyone's out the door.


I gave her a country-speaking lesson. Crunchy. Country. Special. Man. And as for him, well... He's been kind of distant and I'm - I don't know. He was kind of flirting today, I think... But I don't know. I don't know a lot, I guess... Especially when it comes to guys. Unless it's my best friend, he's someone that I do know. He tells me everything - literally.

Do you know?

Do you know how hard it is? Liking someone so close to you, and yet, he isn't able to see how you feel. People keep saying, "Tell him! Tell him! Tell him how you feel!" Well, let me ask you a question.

Why?

I've never had a reason to tell him. He's leaving. I probably won't talk to him after this school year. Yes, at one point... I thought there was maybe something there. But that was a weekend long ago.

And I need to face the truth: THERE ISN'T ANYTHING THERE.

Now, another question, but for me this time. Do I mind? Let me tell you something. The honest truth is... I don't think I do. Yeah, it'd be nice... But my world won't be crushed to pieces. I've waited a while, pondering, thinking, praying about all of this.

"What did I find," you may ask.

My answer: I'm done.

You may believe that to be a weird answer, but the more I thought and thought about it. The more I realized - I don't need someone to make me happy. I have my family and my friends and the most important of all, God.

So, yes, I will tell him. Maybe even tomorrow... I don't know. But what I do know is this: I'm happy to be free of all of this crap. I can't wait to face the day tomorrow, because I have a feeling that things are going to go well.

Am I crazy for feeling this way? I don't think so... No, I really don't. Now, what you say to all this... That's your opinion. You can tell me what you think or just keep it to yourself, because I don't really care.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just trying to convince myself to an extent I guess... Even though I don't think I need any convincing. I'm perfectly fine with my life as it is now.

For another story... My mom brought up an old friend. She said that somewhere in my heart... Something, a feeling, lies there. She explained what she thought it was, and though I did listen to her, I still don't think it's true.

So, do you know? Know of toils and troubles? Know of everything I've been through?

Before you answer, let me just tell you... I love my life. And this is the happiest I've been in high school, I think. Start talking about me or whatever, I don't care. Words won't bring me down. Not now, not today, not tomorrow.

This post has been kind of like my venting post. I like it. But I'll be shooting out stories soon!