Do you know?

Do you know how hard it is? Liking someone so close to you, and yet, he isn't able to see how you feel. People keep saying, "Tell him! Tell him! Tell him how you feel!" Well, let me ask you a question.

Why?

I've never had a reason to tell him. He's leaving. I probably won't talk to him after this school year. Yes, at one point... I thought there was maybe something there. But that was a weekend long ago.

And I need to face the truth: THERE ISN'T ANYTHING THERE.

Now, another question, but for me this time. Do I mind? Let me tell you something. The honest truth is... I don't think I do. Yeah, it'd be nice... But my world won't be crushed to pieces. I've waited a while, pondering, thinking, praying about all of this.

"What did I find," you may ask.

My answer: I'm done.

You may believe that to be a weird answer, but the more I thought and thought about it. The more I realized - I don't need someone to make me happy. I have my family and my friends and the most important of all, God.

So, yes, I will tell him. Maybe even tomorrow... I don't know. But what I do know is this: I'm happy to be free of all of this crap. I can't wait to face the day tomorrow, because I have a feeling that things are going to go well.

Am I crazy for feeling this way? I don't think so... No, I really don't. Now, what you say to all this... That's your opinion. You can tell me what you think or just keep it to yourself, because I don't really care.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just trying to convince myself to an extent I guess... Even though I don't think I need any convincing. I'm perfectly fine with my life as it is now.

For another story... My mom brought up an old friend. She said that somewhere in my heart... Something, a feeling, lies there. She explained what she thought it was, and though I did listen to her, I still don't think it's true.

So, do you know? Know of toils and troubles? Know of everything I've been through?

Before you answer, let me just tell you... I love my life. And this is the happiest I've been in high school, I think. Start talking about me or whatever, I don't care. Words won't bring me down. Not now, not today, not tomorrow.

This post has been kind of like my venting post. I like it. But I'll be shooting out stories soon!

What's-His-Face (Part 2)

Chapter#?? - Linette

As I walk down the hallway next to Kairos, he veers off to the right to go talk to his girlfriend, Sabra Parlan. I shrug and cringe as he hugs her the way he usually does. Why must boys hug girls from behind and rest their arms on- I just think it's stupid is all... But maybe that's because I'm single and alone and all that jazz. My phone beeps as it receives a text message from Mekia Leilani.

Mekia: Hey, Linni... I was wondering if you want to hang out after school?

Me: That's fine.

Mekia: Cool!! I can't wait!! :D

Me: Yep, sounds fun.

I put my phone away as I continue down the hallway, listening to different students have their conversations as I pass by them. I hear my name a few times, but pay no mind to the words that are said about me. "Let them think what they want, Linni... Don't worry about it." I look to the left and see Kairos walking next to me.

I smile at Kairos as we walk to the band room together, talking about the differences between my honors classes and his. "I still think drop-ad for you into college prep was a bad idea... I mean, YOU of all people! I can't believe it! You're so smart!"

"Tell that to my teachers. Ya know, the ones who gave me B's." Kairos rolls his eyes at me and laughs, which in turn makes me laugh. Kairos grabs his instruments from the storage room and heads outside with me. Once we're outside, he reminds me that I have a fundraising event tomorrow with Dalton.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Mekia hug Everett Chaylen, and then she gets in his car. Well, I guess she forgot about hanging out. Oh well, I don’t care. Kairos’s words ring in my ears and I look back at him right when I hear the word ‘fundraiser.’ “What’d you say?”

"You know, I might come to that fundraiser. How long is it? And from what time to what time will you be working?" Kairos puts his things in his mother's car and I do the same with my mother. As both of our motherly figures sit and talk about who knows what, Kairos and I discuss our classes again.

"All right, Linni, time to go!" I say goodbye to Kairos and get in my mom's car. She smiles at me, asking me about my day and what all happened, how my quizzes went and things of that nature.

-------------> The Next Day

My phone buzzes:

Dalton: Are you excited about today?

Me: Yeah! I can't wait!

Dalton: Me either! It's going to be so much fun!

Me: I bet! Are you nervous?

Dalton: A little...

Me: Don't be... You'll do great!

Dalton: I hope so... I have to go plan, see you soon!

Me: Ttfn!

I put my phone away as my mom pulls in the parking lot of the seminary. "Good luck working here for those seven community service hours! Your dad is coming to pick you up around eight or so... Give me the details about everything tonight!"

"I will... Love you, Mom!"

"I love you too!" I walk up the stairs as my mom pulls out of the parking lot, and then I'm inside, working with Dalton and his family to raise money. I don't see much of Dalton, except for when he comes in every once in a while to check on money statistics and to see how his family is doing. Kairos comes and stops by with a few of his friends, but he soon leaves as well.

Dalton walks into the room and grabs a piece of pizza as his mother puts a dollar bill in the money box next to me. He walks over to me and sits down in the seat available to the right of me. "How's everything going on your end?"

I smile at Dalton and nod. "Pretty good... Your brother's been keeping me company. He likes to take care of the money..."

Dalton raises his eyebrows at me and says, "Well, don't let him take any." We both laugh at that. "Thanks for helping me again... And don't forget to come see me play basketball at some point tonight!"

"I will, I promise."

Dalton leaves after finishing his pizza, leaving me by myself (except for the few people still eating and his mother).

A few hours later...

I'm exhausted by time the end of the fundraiser is near. I put the broom away after sweeping the hallway and the staircase, and then I go inside the gym. I see a group of people crowded around someone on the floor, and that's when I realize that I don't see Dalton among them - he's the one injured.

Dalton's holding his ankle, and he looks like he's in a lot of pain. "Hey, Linni! How was the fundraiser?" I look up to see my dad walking towards me, smiling.

"It was good, but Dalton just got hurt..." I watch as Dalton stands up, and with the help of his parents, walks over to a chair, sitting down in it. He stretches and walks around a bit, and that's when I realize that he had a cramp.

Finally, the seven hour fundraiser is over. I walk over to Dalton's mother and pull out my community service form. "You wouldn't mind signing this for me, would you?"

"Of course not! Dalton, could you come over here for a minute? I need your help..." After they finish filling out the form together, Dalton pulls me over to the side and gives me a hug. Since he's taller than me, my head went straight to his chest and his rested on my shoulder. I let go of him, but he didn't let go of me. And we're still hugging? Okay...

Dad speaks up after Dalton goes back up to announce the end of the fundraiser. My dad tells me that it's time to go if we're going to get to my grandparents' house before 10 o'clock. After I get in my dad's car, I find out that while Dalton and I were hugging, Dad turned around about halfway into the hug.

"What?! You really did that? Why?"

"I just... I didn't want to scare him." My mouth drops and Dad begins to laugh.

Fathers... I don't understand them either. It's like they strive for embarrassing you in front of any boy. That way, there's no chance that you will ever have a boyfriend! Or they scare the boys away by their fatherly intimidation..! I don't get it!! Why? You have to grow up sometime, but I guess still being in high school... That isn't really the time to grow up. I mean, before you now it, high school will be over. And then you're off to college, and you're, well... You're gone.

What's-His-Face/New Boy

Chapter #?? -- Linette

I sit down in my desk behind the new kid, looking at him as I walk past his desk. I gently set my books down on the desk and slide into the seat. I take out my phone and quickly respond to a text message from Kairos.

Kai: Hey, how's new boy? ;)

Me: Can you not? Seriously -.-

Kai: What?

Me: I have class... Bye, Kai.

Kai: Say hi to new boy for me ;) If you can talk to him, that is...

The new boy that came to school this past year turns around in his seat and puts his arm on my desk, brushing his fingers over my hand. I quickly jerk away from him and he brings his hand back to the side of the desk that's closer to him, blushing. "Hey, Linni... How're you?"

"I'm fine, Dalton... Thanks for asking." Dalton nods his head and then I nod mine. The bell rings and Dalton turns around to face the front of the classroom just as the teacher walks in.

"All right, my new-ish A.P. English class... Settle down, shut up, and... Mr. Kolby, pass these out. Everyone, Mr. Kolby is passing out Hamlet, by Shakespeare. Once you acquire the play, open to page 1 and I will now read the assigned parts - which will be as follows..."

Miss Wheaton's voice trails off as she begins to assign parts - or rather, I began tuning her out when she started talking (just like I always do). Dalton begins passing out books and when he gets to my desk, he stops, looks at me, blushes, and moves onto the next desk.

I am so focused on Dalton that I barely notice when Kairos comes in. "Thanks you Mr. Scully, for deciding to grace us with your presence this wonderful morning."

"My pleasure, Miss Wheaton." Kai bows and Miss Wheaton rolls her eyes at him.

"Get to your seat." Miss Wheaton continues to call out assignments as Kai sits down in his desk - next to me. He puts his backpack next to his seat and picks up the book that Dalton hands him, nodding at Dalton in thanks.

After Dalton is out of earshot, Kai leans over and wiggles his eyebrows as he says, "Hm... You and new boy are doing well, I see..?"

I roll my eyes and put my hand on his face, pushing him away. "You're stupid. Why are you even in this class?"

"Because... Because I can be. I'm smart."

"I believe that statement is debatable..."

"Miss Schuyler and Mr. Scully, I'll be happy to see you in detention this afternoon. And Mr. Scully, since you have been late quite a bit, I have decided to give you the role of Hamlet. Which means you will have to be on time to class in order for us to start class; therefore, it is a requirement that you be here on time, maybe even a little earlier, if you so please." Miss Wheaton pulls her glasses down and looks right at Kairos. "And I think you do..."

"Yes, Miss Wheaton..." Kairos rolls his eyes and turns back to me. "She hates me so much... Why?" I shrug and shake my head, opening Hamlet up to the first page as Kai begins to read.

Dalton sits down and turns around in his desk to face me. "There aren't enough copies... Would you mind if I shared with you?" I shake my head and push my book closer to Dalton.

Time goes by when you're sitting next to the boy you like. And before I know it, class is over - which also means that I won't see Dalton again until last period, in Social Studies. You might ask: Why do you have Social Studies as a class when you're a junior? My answer: I have no idea.

When I walk by Miss Wheaton's desk, I notice two copies of Hamlet. One is marked Teacher Copy and the other is marked Student Copy. "Miss Wheaton, did Dalton hand you this copy?" She nods and pulls her glasses down her nose.

"Yes. He said that every student had received a copy... Why do you ask?"

"No reason..." I walk outside of the classroom and Kairos, who was leaning on the doorway just as he always does, walks up next to me.

"What was that about?" I stare straight ahead and shake my head before looking at Kairos. "Is he up to something?"

"I don't know... But I'm pretty sure he likes me." Kairos stops walking and grabs me by the wrist, turning me around to face him. He opens his mouth to say something, but he then closes his mouth and just stares at me.

"Kairos..? Are you all right?"

"It's nothing... Forget it."

I've never understood why my friends do that - especially Kairos. But, ya know, it's whatever... He's always confused me. He's never liked it when I date someone, but then when he dates someone, I can't say a word about it. Even though Kairos has been dating this one girl for a really long time (about a year and a half now, I do believe), I can't say anything to him about my opinion of her without him getting mad at me.

Boys, I just don't understand them. And they don't understand women. It's the way things go, ya know?

This pertains to my book chapter. I can't even explain to you this... I came across it and thought of myself and of some of my friends. I just thought I might show it to you.

Giving Up or Starting Again?

You all remember that guy I talked about before, right? Well... I don't know, I think I'm just done with him. I'm still his friend and all, but  don't like him anymore, well not like... You know what I mean, right? Well, anyways...

I'm starting another book.

But unfortunately for all of you, you won't get to know what the name is, what it's about... Nope. None of it.

Also, about that zombie post... About all of my writings...

I think I'm just stopping it all together (putting off this book, too).

I'm tired of writing and writing and never getting anything from it. I give it time and care and special circumstances (making its characters from scratch and all sorts of other things from setting to certain plot gaps)... And what do I get in return?

An unfinished work.

Out of my years of writing, I've finished one book. That's it. One.

Maybe I should just stick to poetry and other things... Or maybe I'll try again...

XxXxZombiesxXxX

I crouch down on one knee, trying to get as low to the ground as possible. I put some more bullets in my shotgun and slowly make my way down the hall. "All right, it's clear...for now." I motion my little brother to follow me and then he loops his finger into one of my belt loops.

"Sissy... Why are the scary men coming for me?" I rest my hand on his head and rustle his hair a little bit before bringing my hand down to cup his cheek.

"Because you have something that they want. But I won't let them get to you, all right?" One of the pale, lifeless figures begins to limp down the hallway, moaning as he searches the different rooms within our little house. I maneuver down the hallway, shotgun in hand, until I get to the room where the man entered.

I slowly open the door, cautiously creeping inside. The man pops up out of nowhere, his yellow eyes illuminating my vision as his fingernails rake down my arm. My flesh instantly begins to fester because of the immediate infection that sets in whenever one of the men attacks.

I take out my switchblade and bury it deep in his head, making him yell and fall to the ground - his next death. "Adlai... Come here." I lean against the wall, holding my bleeding arm in such a way so Adlai will not be able to see the deteriorating flesh.

When Adlai comes in, I take a deep breath, already feeling my blood begin to boil. "Sissy, did that man hurt you?" I nod to Adlai and smile at him.

"You know what happens now, right?" Adlai nods, wiping a tear away with the back of his hand. "Goodbye, Adlai."

"Goodbye, Sissy..." I watch Adlai as he takes up the gun and then I close my eyes, never to wake up again.

3-14: Pi Day

There's a guy I like. But he doesn't really notice me, I don't think. What do I do? Someone just convinced me that I should tell him - to put all of the cards on the table. But if he doesn't like me... Will I be okay with that? I'm honestly not all that sure. Too many insecurities for me to tell him, that's what I think. I get shy around him. He asks for my help on things and says, "We can do it!" But really... Is it 'we?' I don't know... I kinda feel like it's 'me.' Or maybe, considering the certainties that he needs help on, maybe it's just 'him.' Maybe tomorrow will be different, though. Filled with less insecurities, less problems, less worries, and more love.

After all, I was born three months early. I lived through that. I lived through my parents' separation. I lived through my grandma's cancer - my Mimi. I lived through the worst years of my life in middle school - all of that betrayal and hurt. I lived through it all.

And ya know what? If I can get through that, I can get through anything! I have God on my side too. That always gives me an advantage. My powerful and almighty God. He won't ever forsake me. He'll help me through everything and anything that I struggle with.

I just cheered myself up with this blog!!

Happy Early Birthday to me!!

Now... Back to my Spanish news broadcasting and studying...

The Helper

I take one step forward, putting my right foot in front of my left. I look over the edge and take a deep breath. I close my eyes as I imagine just taking one step to the side and then I would be falling. It's as easy as that. One step.

But if it's as easy as that, why can't I take it?

"That's what ran through my head." The guidance counselor, Miss Pillton, looks at me and crosses her legs, folding her hands in her lap. "Can I leave now? I know you'll tell my aunt about all of this, so why can't I just go ahead and leave? I have no friends here anyways..."

"Leave this room? Leave the school? Leave the town or the state? Or just leave this life?" I cross my arms over my chest and lean back in the bright, yellow armchair.

"Just this room. I'm not like that anymore. It's been a year, Pill. I haven't had those thoughts in forever, except for when you ask me to tell the story over and over."

"I only ask you about the story because I want to see how you react." The alarm on my phone rings and I take it out of my pocket as I stand up, silencing the alarm.

"Session's over. It's my last time, do I have your permission to leave?"

"Yes. I am pleased with your progress and I don't believe I can help you any further." Pill takes out her stamp and puts a star on my hand, ushering me out of her office and back into the rumble of school hallways. I wave goodbye to Pill and head to my locker, grabbing my books.

I turn around to go to my next class, but someone runs into me, knocking me over. I slide about five feet and my books go everywhere. A few people kick me and I just lie there. I hear someone near me say, "Dude!! What's wrong with you? You just knocked over that freaky weirdo!!" I roll my eyes and slowly get to my feet, watching the room spin before my very eyes.

"I'm so sorry!" I look at the boy walking over to me, and before I can back away, he's kneeling down and grabbing my books for me.

"It's fine... Sorry. It was my fault..." The boy stands up from the floor and tilts his head to the side, almost as though he doesn't understand. He opens his mouth to say something, but his friend who spoke up earlier interrupts.

"Come on, Wes!! Get away from the little freak!!" The boy named 'Wes' hands me my books and smiles at me.

"It wasn't your fault, so don't worry about it. I just wanted to make sure you're okay..?" I nod at him and then Wes continues to talk. "Yeah, I'm new here by the way. My name is Wesleigh, but most people prefer to call me Wes for some reason. Nice to meet you."

"Hi... I'm Jessica." I take a deep breath as I push a strand of hair behind my ear, and then I notice that Wes has AP English books in his hands. "Are you going to AP English now?"

Wes nods and looks down at my books. "Ah, cool! We have the same class together!! I'll see you in there, okay?"

It's my final year in high school and I've finally made one friend. One friend. Wesleigh.

Maybe this year will be different with this boy... This helper.