Macabroni & Cheese

I literally have no idea what to write. I'm so tired of everything... I just want to curl up in a little ball and just stop. I love my friends and I love hanging out with them, but sometimes they just get on my nerves.

I mean, what are we four? "That's so and so's spot. She's been sitting there since the beginning of the school year!" Oh, stupid me. I didn't know that the seats in the cafeteria were engraved with our names on them. So, there's that whole deal.

And then my friends broke up with his girlfriend - or he was dumped - or... Well, they aren't a thing anymore.

Anyways, there's so much freakin drama and I just can't deal with it anymore. Yeah, tell me I whine and I complain and I'm a jerk and there's no reason for me to even be saying these things, but let me tell you something.

The reason I always talk about this is because you keep making it an issue. I don't have to name names. You know who you are.

I'll tell you what - if I get a few views on here, I will write a story and post it. That should get things flowing a bit better. Maybe it'll be about a friend of mine...maybe not. When I decide what it's going to be about and once I write it, I'll be sure to let you know.

Clean Slate

Okay so I know I have probably already touched on this a few times throughout this blog, but do you know how stressful junior year is?! I got my first C this year and some people made fun of me that I got a C, saying, "Oh! Wow, a C! End of your life, right?" Other people said it wasn't the end of the world and it didn't matter...

Well, to me, this year has been pretty bad so far. But I've been out of school for three days now because of snow and I am so happy about it! I started writing two new books and I can't wait to see how they turn out and I've just got so much going for me now that I've been away from all of the stress.

It's a clean slate.

No fights, no stress, no pain. It's all fun and games, literally.

I'm really happy right now, and I can't think of anything that would make me less happy.

Unless I don't make States in swimming, then I'd be a little bummed, but I hope I can do it!

Anyways, I'm sure some of you want a story, so I'll give you a poem instead.

Onnnn second thought, most of my poems are pretty dark so I'll use a song that I wrote for one of my friends. I'm not sure he liked it because I wrote it in like five minutes, but I don't care. I don't think it's all that good either, but still, it's something to read other than that rant up there. My friend asked me to write about quantum, dreams and stuff and I really had no idea how to incorporate that... There is one word that is missing at the end. It is for you to decide.

Escape

Escape

Into

A world.

Where

Anything-

Everything

Is possible.

Nothing

Stops me

From

Leaving-

From

Staying-

From 

Escaping.

A new world

Calls to me.

It begs me-

To escape

Into a world

Unknown,

Yet whole.

This world-

I created it.

It is 

Whole.

Imagination

Is my escape.

My time-

It is now.

No matter

How-

What-

I do.

There will

Always be

A new-

New world,

Sitting-

Waiting-

For my

Escape.

Though,

I have

Doubts,

I know

Now...

I am

In control.

Both

Reality

And

Unreality

Are

Mine.

They help

Me

Escape

Into this

World.

A world

Where I

See-

Hear-

Imagine-

New things.

An escape

To another world.

Imagination-

Escape-

Dream-

Think.

Is there 

Really

A difference?

Or

Are they all

The same?

Is this

Way

To escape?

Is it

Real?

Is

My escape

Real?

All

Of it,

Is decided-

It is

____

To me.

Please Read:

So guys... Christmas Vacation is coming to a close and I start school on Monday - yay... -.-  Anyways, there's not a lot of stuff that happened over break. There were a few events...

I had like seven Christmases because of my parents' divorce, but that's normal. They've been separated for a long time and divorced for quite a while. I honestly can't think of a time when they were together... Wow, that was eleven years ago, I feel old, man.

I went to Florida with my dad for a soccer tournament my stepsister played in. I'm not a big soccer fan so that was okay...

Two of my friends absolutely hate me. That's an event, I guess. I don't really know why. I guess I'm a jerk or something. I've known this one person for twelve years and they just now decided to tell me how they felt. My best friend hates me. I don't get it. The other person... We've had a few fights, but we've always worked it out. She won't even talk to me to tell me why we're no longer friends.

I know this post probably sounds like I'm just whining and stuff and being selfish and trying to get pity, but honestly, that's not what I want. I just want someone to listen.

After this post, I probably won't be posting a lot of other stuff on here because I'm going back to my old self and concentrating more on my real friends - the ones that care about me.

I'm done. I just don't want to be going through all of this. If they're done, I'm done. I'll be a friend, but if they hate me, there's not much I can do. So... I guess I'm just done with it all.

I'm signing off for now. Maybe I'll write some other time...

Here's one of my final poems. I wrote it a long time ago - 2 years, I think. Well, here it is:

Over

Can this really be over

I never thought that this would end

How can this be

How did this happen

What did I do to deserve this

Why can't I just be

Without not being me

I remember when we walked together

You said we'd be forever

What happened to him

How long will this petal be separated from the stem

Tell me

Why did you do this

Didn't we promise

That we'd always soar

Dude... 12/18/13

Okay guys, so right now I am on three different electronic devices - phone, computer, and wii. Yeah, I know that it's weird that I'm on three things, oh wait. No, it's not. I was actually just thinking about all of the things going on with my friends and stuff, stupid drama and I don't even know what else, and I thought that it was different.

What is "it" exactly? I have no clue. I just thought something was different. Well, I'm on four devices with my gameboy now. Yeah, I'm a nerd and I know it's not cool to be playing a wii or a gameboy, but hey, I like it.

Anyways... I've been trying to talk to one of my friends, and I know she probably won't read this because I'm pretty sure she hates me right now, but it's just... I've been friends with this girl for a while and I love her to death, but she's stopped talking to me and I don't know why.

I actually just closed a chat with her.

I don't know what to do. We've been through so much and I don't even know anymore... I'll just go back to playing my video games and maybe she'll talk to me. I don't want to be a bother to anyone, especially her. I guess we'll talk sometime.

But really, it's none of my business, ya know? So I think I'm just gonna take a step back and wait it out. I'm not giving up, I'm just waiting until whenever. I know a lot of this doesn't make sense, but I'm just gonna go ahead and stop this blog post now.

I have no idea what just went on here because I'm sick and I'm just tired and I don't get it and blahhhhhh

Bunches of Randommm

Man, you guys... I'm sooo bored. I just got back from this awesome church party and there was dancing and couples and I was like, "Meh. I'm single." My two friends were there and they were so cute with their love interests or whatever you want to call them.

Anyways... I thought you might want to read something from a book I wrote with one of my friends. I've been thinking about this friend a lot. She's been having a hard time with some stuff and I'm not exactly sure what's going on. But I want to be there for her in any way I can, ya know? She's one of my best friends and I don't want to ruin that with anything stupid that I usually do.

You know what? I think I'll write you guys a poem instead.

The Crop

This crop

It is in the dirt

Buried

In darkness

It is unloved

Not cared for

Taken away

Stolen

This crop is unable to be changed

It is now loved

Cared for

By you

By me

By all

When it is uprooted

It is loved even more

It is cut

And shredded

It is hurt

But loved

What is it to do

This round crop

That has been enclosed

Unloved

Not cared for

But is now being tended to

These crops

They can no longer be covered 

Or unloved

Because they are loved

By people

And so many others

Because they are no longer covered

Potatoes

No Title

All right, guys... It seems that my entire blog is just about ranting. Maybe I will become a psychiatrist and then I can help everyone out with their problems on my blog and I can turn it into an advice column.

Haha I was kidding. Anyways...

I've got another friend. Oh yes, I do have those. A select few ;) Nah, I really do have friends. But wait... That sounds conceded to me. Ah whatever you guys know what I mean. Back to the point.

So this friend I have... She's having some issues with feeling lonely and also feeling misinterpreted, as a word for it. Well, I just want to clear up for me that this friend I've got is wonderful and awesome and everything you could ask for in a friend.

I want to speak for me and me alone. I don't try to mock her with a "friendly" tone. I say these things wholeheartedly and truthfully. I see in her my former self, my cousin, and most of all, my friend. She does things that are adorable or cute, and that's why I say that.

I mean, come on. When she gets nervous or is just simply standing around, she waves her arms up and down and kind of looks like a baby bird or a squid or something and it really is cute. I believe she should be excited that we think of her this way. We don't - I don't mean it in a mocking tone. I mean what I say.

I feel pretty close to her now because we are in marching band together and stuff, but she brought to my attention the issue that guard and band are separated.

Yeah, I already know the divisions of guard and band. For crying out loud, I've been doing this since - well, this is my sixth year. So, I'm a pretty old veteran when it comes to band. There is definitely a division there.

And it's not that we want there to be one, it's just that the guard and the band are different from each other, ya know? Well, we all love each other the same, we just do different things. The band people that do not socialize amongst each other with the guard are idiots, honestly.

I have friends (shocker) in both the band and the guard and in different grades both lower and higher. I've never had a more close-knit family of classmates than I do in marching band. I love it. I love all of them.

There are some that do not like the guard, likewise for the band. I don't know what their reasons are, but that's how it is. :/

Another point was brought up. We gossip like middle schoolers. Yeah, dude, that's true. I'm not going to deny it. I take part in it, but the only reason why is because this girl we're talking about degrades me and makes me feel like I am nothing.

Yeah, I talk. I try not to - Boy, do I try not to. Usually, I don't. But when it comes to this girl's boyfriend who happens to be my best friend, I'm gonna tell him straight up what I think. I don't try to encourage or discourage him in his decisions, but I do support whatever choices he makes, even if he is stupid sometimes...

That gossip is normal. And I have heard plenty in the guard too... But that's besides the point. Actually, that really has no relevance so scratch that out.

Back to the band. We can be clique-y, but can you blame us? A bunch of awkward, antisocial nerds coming together to put on uniforms and march around a field in the hot sun until we pass out from dehydration or heatstroke... We are probably going to find someone and stick to them like glue.

That's what I did my first year because that best friend I just talked about who's a guy and is pretty stupid sometimes, he just up and left me to fend for myself. He bullied me. I just stayed with him the whole time, but the guy I made a special connection with (let's not be weird here, we were and are just friends) was a sophomore.

He played the mellophone. Also known as the portable french horn. This guy was my new best friend and I really did stick to him like glue. He didn't care that some new girl who was just starting out in middle school wanted to hang with him. He welcomed me into this band family and the relationship that I had with him is what I strive to have in the new and members today.

Some kids are liked more than others, and that's a problem. I agree.

We need everyone to be united in Christ.


Straying away from all of that... My dog died today. I watched him take his last breath. It was very sad and I haven't really stopped crying. Man, I really open up to people on this blog. I don't usually show emotions. Anyways, yeah... I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight and I have an English thing due tomorrow so I need to finish that up.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and and even better rest of the year! (Sorry for the abrupt conclusion!) I'll write again soon!

-Ashton

AP=PH.NL

All right, dudes, here's the chiz. I've got this friend, ya know what I'm saying? And, well, she thinks that there isn't anyone out there who understands. Well, let's see if there is.

Fights. Arguing. Cursing. Depression. Crying. Pain. Sadness. Missing. Lonely.

All of those things are things that she said she is or said she is feeling. Not only that, but she's just really down all the time and never comes to school. And I need her, dudes! She's my bestie and when she breaks down, that's something to be worried about because she is a very strong person.

Ya know... I get it. I don't understand. At least, not what she's going through. But I do understand all of those feelings up at the top right there. All of them. I have felt them, am feeling them, or will feel them. We all do. Some of us just have it a bit harder than others.

Do you know what I say to that? I say that there is a reason. God has some reason for your hardships, your trials, your sadness and depression. It's all part of life, my dear. There's nothing we can do about it. Life has the easy way out and the hard way out. The hard way is pushing through and figuring out where to go from there. And the easy way... I'd say it's not easy.

So this friend of mine... I know she reads my blog and I just want to say that you're really putting yourself down right now. Try to think of the happy things in life, even if you don't think there are any. That's what I've been taught to do. There are plenty of people out there who have a worse life than me.

Yeah, my parents are divorced and there's a reason for that and I think that it's my fault sometimes... I get sad about those things and that I'm making my parents worried with my grades and it's all just... I'm a burden sometimes. I get it. I have burdens a lot. My life... I've gone through a lot more than most people should or ever will have to go through, but I don't want to look back.

I know it's hard right now, my dear, but just remember that through great struggle comes great grace. I know it doesn't seem like there is going to be a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow, but I promise you, there is. For all of you guys out there who believe the same thing I do, I'm glad!

Because life... Life is hard, so don't take the easy way out. There are ups and downs and rights and lefts and you're basically on a roller coaster of time, but soon, that time will be gone and you'll be left wondering what you did and how you did it.

I'm not saying you need to forget your entire life or no longer think about the past and I AM DEFINITELY NOT SAYING YOLO!! But what I am saying is this: Life has many obstacles, and one of them is yourself.

Being self-degrading and hurting yourself and being depressed, staying locked away and hiding your emotions isn't good for you. You guys, I want you to promise me that you'll ask for help from a friend or a family member, anyone that can help.

Because I didn't. And I wish I had.

"Life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get." - Forrest Gump