Please Read:

So guys... Christmas Vacation is coming to a close and I start school on Monday - yay... -.-  Anyways, there's not a lot of stuff that happened over break. There were a few events...

I had like seven Christmases because of my parents' divorce, but that's normal. They've been separated for a long time and divorced for quite a while. I honestly can't think of a time when they were together... Wow, that was eleven years ago, I feel old, man.

I went to Florida with my dad for a soccer tournament my stepsister played in. I'm not a big soccer fan so that was okay...

Two of my friends absolutely hate me. That's an event, I guess. I don't really know why. I guess I'm a jerk or something. I've known this one person for twelve years and they just now decided to tell me how they felt. My best friend hates me. I don't get it. The other person... We've had a few fights, but we've always worked it out. She won't even talk to me to tell me why we're no longer friends.

I know this post probably sounds like I'm just whining and stuff and being selfish and trying to get pity, but honestly, that's not what I want. I just want someone to listen.

After this post, I probably won't be posting a lot of other stuff on here because I'm going back to my old self and concentrating more on my real friends - the ones that care about me.

I'm done. I just don't want to be going through all of this. If they're done, I'm done. I'll be a friend, but if they hate me, there's not much I can do. So... I guess I'm just done with it all.

I'm signing off for now. Maybe I'll write some other time...

Here's one of my final poems. I wrote it a long time ago - 2 years, I think. Well, here it is:

Over

Can this really be over

I never thought that this would end

How can this be

How did this happen

What did I do to deserve this

Why can't I just be

Without not being me

I remember when we walked together

You said we'd be forever

What happened to him

How long will this petal be separated from the stem

Tell me

Why did you do this

Didn't we promise

That we'd always soar

Dude... 12/18/13

Okay guys, so right now I am on three different electronic devices - phone, computer, and wii. Yeah, I know that it's weird that I'm on three things, oh wait. No, it's not. I was actually just thinking about all of the things going on with my friends and stuff, stupid drama and I don't even know what else, and I thought that it was different.

What is "it" exactly? I have no clue. I just thought something was different. Well, I'm on four devices with my gameboy now. Yeah, I'm a nerd and I know it's not cool to be playing a wii or a gameboy, but hey, I like it.

Anyways... I've been trying to talk to one of my friends, and I know she probably won't read this because I'm pretty sure she hates me right now, but it's just... I've been friends with this girl for a while and I love her to death, but she's stopped talking to me and I don't know why.

I actually just closed a chat with her.

I don't know what to do. We've been through so much and I don't even know anymore... I'll just go back to playing my video games and maybe she'll talk to me. I don't want to be a bother to anyone, especially her. I guess we'll talk sometime.

But really, it's none of my business, ya know? So I think I'm just gonna take a step back and wait it out. I'm not giving up, I'm just waiting until whenever. I know a lot of this doesn't make sense, but I'm just gonna go ahead and stop this blog post now.

I have no idea what just went on here because I'm sick and I'm just tired and I don't get it and blahhhhhh

Bunches of Randommm

Man, you guys... I'm sooo bored. I just got back from this awesome church party and there was dancing and couples and I was like, "Meh. I'm single." My two friends were there and they were so cute with their love interests or whatever you want to call them.

Anyways... I thought you might want to read something from a book I wrote with one of my friends. I've been thinking about this friend a lot. She's been having a hard time with some stuff and I'm not exactly sure what's going on. But I want to be there for her in any way I can, ya know? She's one of my best friends and I don't want to ruin that with anything stupid that I usually do.

You know what? I think I'll write you guys a poem instead.

The Crop

This crop

It is in the dirt

Buried

In darkness

It is unloved

Not cared for

Taken away

Stolen

This crop is unable to be changed

It is now loved

Cared for

By you

By me

By all

When it is uprooted

It is loved even more

It is cut

And shredded

It is hurt

But loved

What is it to do

This round crop

That has been enclosed

Unloved

Not cared for

But is now being tended to

These crops

They can no longer be covered 

Or unloved

Because they are loved

By people

And so many others

Because they are no longer covered

Potatoes

No Title

All right, guys... It seems that my entire blog is just about ranting. Maybe I will become a psychiatrist and then I can help everyone out with their problems on my blog and I can turn it into an advice column.

Haha I was kidding. Anyways...

I've got another friend. Oh yes, I do have those. A select few ;) Nah, I really do have friends. But wait... That sounds conceded to me. Ah whatever you guys know what I mean. Back to the point.

So this friend I have... She's having some issues with feeling lonely and also feeling misinterpreted, as a word for it. Well, I just want to clear up for me that this friend I've got is wonderful and awesome and everything you could ask for in a friend.

I want to speak for me and me alone. I don't try to mock her with a "friendly" tone. I say these things wholeheartedly and truthfully. I see in her my former self, my cousin, and most of all, my friend. She does things that are adorable or cute, and that's why I say that.

I mean, come on. When she gets nervous or is just simply standing around, she waves her arms up and down and kind of looks like a baby bird or a squid or something and it really is cute. I believe she should be excited that we think of her this way. We don't - I don't mean it in a mocking tone. I mean what I say.

I feel pretty close to her now because we are in marching band together and stuff, but she brought to my attention the issue that guard and band are separated.

Yeah, I already know the divisions of guard and band. For crying out loud, I've been doing this since - well, this is my sixth year. So, I'm a pretty old veteran when it comes to band. There is definitely a division there.

And it's not that we want there to be one, it's just that the guard and the band are different from each other, ya know? Well, we all love each other the same, we just do different things. The band people that do not socialize amongst each other with the guard are idiots, honestly.

I have friends (shocker) in both the band and the guard and in different grades both lower and higher. I've never had a more close-knit family of classmates than I do in marching band. I love it. I love all of them.

There are some that do not like the guard, likewise for the band. I don't know what their reasons are, but that's how it is. :/

Another point was brought up. We gossip like middle schoolers. Yeah, dude, that's true. I'm not going to deny it. I take part in it, but the only reason why is because this girl we're talking about degrades me and makes me feel like I am nothing.

Yeah, I talk. I try not to - Boy, do I try not to. Usually, I don't. But when it comes to this girl's boyfriend who happens to be my best friend, I'm gonna tell him straight up what I think. I don't try to encourage or discourage him in his decisions, but I do support whatever choices he makes, even if he is stupid sometimes...

That gossip is normal. And I have heard plenty in the guard too... But that's besides the point. Actually, that really has no relevance so scratch that out.

Back to the band. We can be clique-y, but can you blame us? A bunch of awkward, antisocial nerds coming together to put on uniforms and march around a field in the hot sun until we pass out from dehydration or heatstroke... We are probably going to find someone and stick to them like glue.

That's what I did my first year because that best friend I just talked about who's a guy and is pretty stupid sometimes, he just up and left me to fend for myself. He bullied me. I just stayed with him the whole time, but the guy I made a special connection with (let's not be weird here, we were and are just friends) was a sophomore.

He played the mellophone. Also known as the portable french horn. This guy was my new best friend and I really did stick to him like glue. He didn't care that some new girl who was just starting out in middle school wanted to hang with him. He welcomed me into this band family and the relationship that I had with him is what I strive to have in the new and members today.

Some kids are liked more than others, and that's a problem. I agree.

We need everyone to be united in Christ.


Straying away from all of that... My dog died today. I watched him take his last breath. It was very sad and I haven't really stopped crying. Man, I really open up to people on this blog. I don't usually show emotions. Anyways, yeah... I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight and I have an English thing due tomorrow so I need to finish that up.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and and even better rest of the year! (Sorry for the abrupt conclusion!) I'll write again soon!

-Ashton

AP=PH.NL

All right, dudes, here's the chiz. I've got this friend, ya know what I'm saying? And, well, she thinks that there isn't anyone out there who understands. Well, let's see if there is.

Fights. Arguing. Cursing. Depression. Crying. Pain. Sadness. Missing. Lonely.

All of those things are things that she said she is or said she is feeling. Not only that, but she's just really down all the time and never comes to school. And I need her, dudes! She's my bestie and when she breaks down, that's something to be worried about because she is a very strong person.

Ya know... I get it. I don't understand. At least, not what she's going through. But I do understand all of those feelings up at the top right there. All of them. I have felt them, am feeling them, or will feel them. We all do. Some of us just have it a bit harder than others.

Do you know what I say to that? I say that there is a reason. God has some reason for your hardships, your trials, your sadness and depression. It's all part of life, my dear. There's nothing we can do about it. Life has the easy way out and the hard way out. The hard way is pushing through and figuring out where to go from there. And the easy way... I'd say it's not easy.

So this friend of mine... I know she reads my blog and I just want to say that you're really putting yourself down right now. Try to think of the happy things in life, even if you don't think there are any. That's what I've been taught to do. There are plenty of people out there who have a worse life than me.

Yeah, my parents are divorced and there's a reason for that and I think that it's my fault sometimes... I get sad about those things and that I'm making my parents worried with my grades and it's all just... I'm a burden sometimes. I get it. I have burdens a lot. My life... I've gone through a lot more than most people should or ever will have to go through, but I don't want to look back.

I know it's hard right now, my dear, but just remember that through great struggle comes great grace. I know it doesn't seem like there is going to be a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow, but I promise you, there is. For all of you guys out there who believe the same thing I do, I'm glad!

Because life... Life is hard, so don't take the easy way out. There are ups and downs and rights and lefts and you're basically on a roller coaster of time, but soon, that time will be gone and you'll be left wondering what you did and how you did it.

I'm not saying you need to forget your entire life or no longer think about the past and I AM DEFINITELY NOT SAYING YOLO!! But what I am saying is this: Life has many obstacles, and one of them is yourself.

Being self-degrading and hurting yourself and being depressed, staying locked away and hiding your emotions isn't good for you. You guys, I want you to promise me that you'll ask for help from a friend or a family member, anyone that can help.

Because I didn't. And I wish I had.

"Life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get." - Forrest Gump

RANDOMMMMM

All right, so here's the deal. I'm doing homework, and I just kind of felt like writing. Do you know how long it's been since I've felt like writing? Awhile...

Don't ask me why because I have no earthly idea why I just suddenly wanted to write. Maybe it's because NaNoWriMo is coming up soon, or maybe it's because I felt a little lonely... I'm not sure. All I know is that I need to get this homework done soon so I can go to sleep.

There's a lot of stress right now, and yeah, I love school and friends and all, but then again, grades are just awful. Not that my grades are awful, just getting graded for things is awful, ya know?

Anyways, I felt like writing, so here we go.


Reflection

As I look into the mirror, I see something I have never seen before. Something foreign to me. These eyes are not mine, and yet, when I move or blink, this person does the same.

But her eyes are not mine. These eyes are blue. Those are red.

This foreigner, though she is not me, she is.

How can I understand and get used to a life that is so new to me? The sights and the smells are different than usual. Everything is so overwhelming and I can't concentrate. I never even wanted to be this way. It's not my fault - it's his.

I slowly reach my hand up and touch the eyes looking back at me, the cold glass sliding underneath my fingertips. My hand falls to my side and in one swift movement, the mirror, shattered, is all over the floor. I turn around and out of the corner of my eye, see a pair of red eyes staring back at me.


**Check in every now and again to find out more about this girl as the story progresses.

Lyricist and Wolves

All right, guys, so here it goes. I am supposed to be doing homework and working on all of these things for school, and yet, I am sitting on my butt writing this blog. Do you know how frustrated I am that I can't even come up with a simple history essay?

I have written so many English essays and even an entire novel, and yet, I don't know what to write for history. My teacher even gave us three main points to expand upon and I am just sitting here like, "This printer paper is really soft... Why does it feel so fluffy?"

Anyways, I wanted to inform you guys of this new happening. I am now a lyricist for this upcoming band! My friend started his own screamo band and stuff and asked me to write him a poem, which I did. He liked it and has asked me to write him more. I'm actually pretty excited about this, except for the writing part.

Yeah, I'm good at poetry and I LOVE MUSIC, but this whole writing thing isn't really working out for me. I don't want to write anymore. My passion for it is gone. I don't want to stand up and speak in front of people or have to write things down on a white board. I don't want to be an English teacher anymore.

You see, I like numbers. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my math class - almost as much as I love music. Crunching numbers calms me down, and so does music. I listen to music as I crunch numbers. It's what I do. Or rather, it's what I want to do.

I'm trying to come up with some lyrics right now that have to do with dreaming and happiness. I'm not quite sure what stance I am going to take or exactly how I am going to develop the dreaming part, but I'll figure it out and let you guys know how it goes! I promise that next time I won't take as long to write another blog post.

Btw, the posts from earlier that talk about those crushes I had... Yeah, they're all pretty much invalid now. I mean, there's still this one guy that I have a crush on, but I won't say who. I'll leave that up to your imagination to see who I picked. And also, I don't really want to like anyone, ya know?

Anyways, how about a story?

I'll take that as a yes ;)

------------

Anther takes my hand in his and looks into my eyes. "I've liked you for a really long time, Threllion... Won't you go out with me?" I look away from Anther as my cheeks turn a bright red. I quietly scuff the bottom of my sneaker on the floor, trying not to seem extremely eager.

"You could have just said no, Threl..." I look up at Anther and see that he is already turned around, walking away from me. I notice that the back of his neck is streaked with random black lines, and I immediately run after him.

"Anther-" I rest my hand on his shoulder, but he jerks away from me. "Please, Anther..." He looks at me and I take a step back in surprise, not expecting his dark brown eyes to be pale blue. I rest my hand on his arm once again and his gaze follows my hand.

"What're you-"

"Can't you tell how I feel?" Anther looks down at me for a moment, puzzled by my words, before he takes a deep breath. He runs his fingers through his hair and I see that he has completely calmed down. Both his skin and eyes are now back to normal.

Suddenly, a pair of strong arms wraps around me, encircling me in warmth.

Almost instantly, though, the warmth disappears. It is replaced by the numbing chill of the ice cave. Now I remember... I open my eyes and see Anther pacing back and forth from one end of the cave to the other. "Anther?"

"I'm so glad you're awake! I think I came up with a plan to get us out of here and everything! Okay, so first we will wait out the blizzard and then-"

"Anther... We're stranded in here. I can't-"

"Don't you dare give up on me, Threl."

"But my leg-" I look down at my contorted leg and a wave of nausea washes over me as I see a bone protruding from my purplish-yellow skin. I cover my mouth with my hand and squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to see anymore.

"We'll be fine. As soon as the blizzard clears, we will be able to change and you'll be healed." I shake my head and take a few deep breaths, trying to suppress the stinging feeling in my eyes. It is to no avail. Hot tears run down my cheeks as I accept my fate.

Anther walks over to where I am sitting and slides down the wall until he hits the floor. He drapes his arm over my shoulders and pulls me close. "Why are you so upset about this all of the sudden? Was it your dream? It was just a dream, Threl..."

"Anther, I'm not going to make it through another day. I've already lost too much blood. And even if I do make it through the night, which is highly unlikely, I won't be able to move around and run with you. I won't even have enough energy to change."

"But-"

"Anther, if this is our last night together, would you rather us spend it arguing over my life or reminiscing about all of the good times we've had together?" I lay my head on Anther's shoulder and listen to him go on and on about his favorite parts of our friendship. I close my eyes and fall asleep to the sound of Anther's voice, ready to leave this earthly world.

We were best friends. We loved each other deeply, but our love was not enough to keep us together. Anther was right about the blizzard stopping quickly and was also right about me making it through the night. But the unexpected happened the day after that horrible blizzard.

Anther died.